My Dreams

I read a blog called (in)courage. They asked the question, "What are your God-sized dreams for 2010?"


I struggle with dreams and aspirations. Certainly I have goals. Get last month's laundry folded TODAY. Don't burn dinner this week. Plan a Girls Night Out next month. Somedays, I just dream of taking a shower alone... no one waiting outside the curtain for me to get out and re-fill a sippy cup "right now." 


Professionally speaking, I have been to far too many conferences that tell me I'll never achieve my goals if I don't write them down. Start small- organize by timeframes (monthly, yearly, 2 year, 5 year, etc.)- get busy. I do know that if I don't set goals/ dreams for my business, I probably won't ever really set out to make them happen.


My struggle with "What are your dreams?" is that often, most often, dreams are self-centered. But, we all have them. I have them. "I want to..." "If I could be anything, I'd be a..." See the I in that? My question is this: If this life, my life, is not about me, is it wrong to have dreams for myself? Twisted, I know. I should really stop dwelling on it and just go to bed, seeing that it's 1:30 am. Regardless, at the moment I do think it's ok to have a longing for something, a dream, pray about it, and wait on the Lord. Dreams become a problem when the focus is self-glorification and we will stop at nothing to obtain them, no matter the cost.


God does address dreams in the Bible. Most famous verse for this is "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." (Prov 16:3).


Soooo, since He said it...... "What are my God-sized goals for 2010?"


I keep mulling over this question and my answer keeps involving other people.  "I want 2010, my husband's first year in full-time paid ministry, to be, well, incredible." Struggles, victories, camps, services, lessons learned, growth... all incredible. "I want my kids to..." "I want my church to..."


So for me... what do I want? I want to stop pondering the call on my life and finally do something about it. Sounds so simple. But, 

• I'm a wife to a full- time youth pastor (who for the last 6 months has been working 2 jobs), 
• a mom to a 4 yr old, 2 yr old, 1 yr old (and 7 months pregnant with #4)
• a business owner to not one, but two businesses
• a work-from-home mom to that 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and 1 yr old
• did I mention that the church we have been called to is 30 minutes from the "city" and the location of our new home?

Sounds incredibly impossible to GENUINELY say, "Yes, Lord, I'll start putting my testimony in writing. I'll commit to traveling (which I love in theory, but not reality). I'll put aside the business that I've built for the last 5 years. Isn't it time for my 'profit year'? Where was I? Oh, right. Yes, Lord, I will suggest to other women, that I might have something to share with them and can I be the speaker at your next conference? Yes, Lord, all excuses aside, if Your desire for me is to share You all the time, nothing hinders, then I'll do it." 

I'd probably add to that prayer for this God-sized dream a request to handle the details (which of course He'll do) and to MAYBE drop a housekeeper my way? (Just kidding.) (Sort of.) 

As I sit here feeling this unborn baby jump all around in my belly, trying desperately hard to come out my belly button, I wonder how in the world I could possibly pursue the longing in my heart- the calling. It will take a good cry (somehow that always brings brokenness and a breakthrough). It will take me holding life as I know it with a very loose grip. If I have to sell my business, lose my tv spot, remove the notion that I'm that "buzz girl," that it will be ok. Leap of faith they call it. 

God-sized dreams always appear impossible, don't they? For crying out loud, He asked Noah to build a boat and shout "Flood" in a crowded movie theater (not quite, but you get the picture). He asked Jonah to go a gazilion miles away with no Continental Airlines, if you know what I mean. He impregnated a woman with no sex.... HELLO! I'm just saying. God-sized plans REQUIRE weak people to have God-sized dreams.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I love the word perfect in that verse. It makes the word weak, the one I'm familiar with, sound beautiful. 

In 2010, I pray that God's perfection will be glorified and magnified with the things He's able to do through a weak woman who says Yes to Him.

Job and His Hedge

When you hear trials and tribulations spoken of in church, Job is often the guy we look to. The preacher usually tells us of all the horrible things Job went through and yet, he remained faithful to God.


I've read Job before, but (confession) I usually start skimming because my mind reads "bad thing happened, bad thing happened, bad thing happened, he still loved God." I don't really absorb what this man went through.


So, this week my Scripture focus has been the book of Job. I'm totally hung up on chapter 1. I'm not ready to move past it yet. First, Job 1:6 "One day the ANGELS came to present themselves before the Lord, and SATAN also came with them." Just proof that sometimes bad DOES come with the good and vice versa. God asked Satan where he'd been. "Roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it." Satan ROAMS this earth. I know this, but it just came alive in a new way. I got to thinking about creeps I've seen or heard of being out on the streets and I literally shuttered at the evil that Satan brings to this world. Basically, I gather that Satan was out and about looking for someone to devour, someone to bring down.


God offers Job. Lord, would you offer me? 


God tells Satan that Job is an upright man who fears God and shuns evil. Satan throws out the question, "Does Job fear God for nothing?" My Bible commentary cleared this question up by saying that Satan was asking if there were any strings attached to Job's love for God. Job was a man of many blessings and Satan suggested that God's gifts produced Job's love.


Lord, what produces my love for you? 


This is the part that really trips me up... Job 1:10-11 "Have you not put a hedge of protection around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."


Hedge of protection. That phrase just seemed so "now" for reading Old Testament. How many times have I used those exact words in praying for my family? I beg for protection, safe keeping, good health. My greatest fear isn't spiders, fire, or the dark. It's losing my family. I experienced it as a child, I have always been petrified that I will have to experience it as an adult. 


After ALL that God had given Job- wealth, health, family- he offered Job over to Satan. He just handed him over with the exception that Satan was not to lay a hand on Job himself. As you read on in Job, left and right, literally, Job's God-given gifts were taken away. Words of one disaster couldn't even finish being spoken before words of another disaster came about.


Lord knows I've had weeks where I felt like it was one thing after another. Praise God it was just things like money, snotty noses, broken cars, and jacked up schedules. It could have been one death notice after another, like Job.


Even as a write, I'm so stuck on the phrases Hedge of Protection (vs 10), Blessed/ Cursed (vs 10-11) and  Everything He Has is in Your Hands (vs 12). If God deemed me worthy and genuine enough to remove His hedge of protection, would I still love Him? If the life I've been blessed with suddenly fell apart, would I curse Him? If I felt like everything I had, all that I am, was handed over to Satan, where would my allegiance lie?


This Hedge of Protection idea got me thinking about "when bad things happen to good people." So often, in the life of a believer, God is glorified in tragedy. This is what happened to Job. God knew that Job's love for Him was not wrapped up in the good gifts God had given him, so God allowed those gifts to be taken away. 


How is my love for God wrapped? I'm doing deep soul searching to determine if my love for God is wrapped up in...
... gratefulness for His blessings?
... gratefulness for His salvation?
... awe?
... fear?
... godly things I see going on in other believer's lives?
... growing my business?
... healthy kids and husband?
... my hedge of protection?


I would generally spout off that I love God because of His love for me. That's Biblical, afterall (I John 4:19). This is true. I do not make light of the sacrifice God gave up- His Son- for me. That's something no one else has ever done. But, there's a stirring in my heart that asks "why else do I love God?" 


I'm still searching for this answer. I'm praying it though, asking God to reveal both the genuine and superficial affection I have for Him. I have no doubt that there is love stored up in this notion of a hedge of protection over me. But I see the danger in that as it can be removed in an instant. It's not genuine. 


I feel a bit "wrecked" (as Trey would say) in getting to know Job. It's a bit scary and stirs my faith a bit as I imagine myself in his shoes. I haven't stopped praying for a hedge of protection. But, every time I do, I ask God to loosen my grip on the Hedge and draw me closer to to Him... just Him. No gifts. 


Just Him.

Love Notes for 12 Days of Christmas

In 2009, we've had 5 Christian couples  that are friends of ours separate, with 4 of those ending in divorce.


Satan may not tempt you with food. He may not get you to gamble. You might not abuse alcohol or drugs. You may have never killed someone. You may not even gossip.


It's worse. He's attacking our marriages. Couples you think would never split, do. Couples you look up to confess they are imperfect and hidden sin is revealed.


What are we- Trey and I- doing to protect ourselves from this?


For starters, we pray continuously for our love to grow and to keep our focus first on Christ individually, second on each other and thirdly on our family. We stray from things that could tempt our minds to drift to someone other than each other. I don't read secular romance novels. We are careful not to watch movies- even cute "chick flicks"- that have steamy romance scenes. If they come up, we look at each other or fast forward, if that option is available. We don't look at pornography. We are careful in relationships we build with members of the opposite sex. 


As dear friends of ours announced their split just a few short weeks ago, I thought to myself, this is insane! Failing marriages are everywhere. I don't want to be apart of that statistic. As I was unpacking boxes from our move last week (we've been moved for about 3 months, but I'm still unpacking!), I found a photo tree. As a mom of 3 preschoolers and 7 months pregnant with one more, romance isn't necessarily on the docket for most days. But, I have felt the Lord leading me to do something romantic for Trey. This is an area I lack in! Our communication is great, the love runs deep, and "other" important areas healthy (hee hee), but... actual romance... I'm just too tired for that most days. Anyway, I have no doubt the creative romance we've shared in the 12 Days before Christmas was God-inspired. I took that photo tree and placed it bare by Trey's bedside. I wrote him a love note- "one of the things I love most about you is..."- once a day for 12 days and placed them daily in the photo tree. He couldn't say enough how much it meant to him. Sometimes the notes were serious with overwhelming praise for the man he's become. Sometimes they were silly recalling memories where he embarrassed me with things like dancing ALONE in front of a crowd of people he didn't know was watching. 


He loved it.
Take that, Satan.

'Tis the Season to...

Growing up, one of my favorite things at Christmas was waiting for Santa to arrive. That's no surprise. I can remember so many Christmas Eve's laying awake, knowing I needed to go to sleep so he'd come. I'd hear a noise and be convinced I'd heard HIM... Santa. The anticipation of wondering what he'd left for me under the tree was nearly more than I could bear. 

Years past and I figured out who "Santa" was. Whether or not I was disappointed, I don't actually remember. What I do remember is a conversation I had with my long-time friend, Staci. She was a mentor when I was a child, and a friend now as an adult. When I was a kid, after the Santa situation cleared itself, she told me that she didn't do Santa with her kids. WHAT?!?!? I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. She explained that the idea of Santa is a lie and that it was wrong for her to lie to her children. I questioned whether or not it was a big deal. Mind you, I was probably 10 years old or so at the time. I wondered, isn't Santa a part of Christmas? Something all children should get? Why is this a big deal? Our conversation flowed with me being bewildered, but so intrigued by the conviction of this mom to NOT celebrate Santa in her family.

I never forgot that conversation. Fast forward to 2005, my first Christmas as a mother. Treson was almost 1. I wanted to have Santa "come" to our house. My husband did not. At least while he's little? (All the while I'm remembering that conversation with Staci in the back of my mind). I began to pray about this issue because it had become a big deal for our family. The end result? A convicted mama. Santa is not real. Here's what happens to our children with Santa: They place HOPE (Will he come?), DREAMS (what kid doesn't talk about what gifts they will get at Christmas A-L-L Y-E-A-R?), and TRUST (if I'm good, I'll get ________) in a man-made character. Flip side to this problem: We teach our children to place their HOPE, DREAMS and TRUST in Jesus. Jesus, the real deal. Santa, not so much.

As a mom, I played out this hypothetical-but-very-possible conversation in my head: "So, what happens one day when my kids say, 'well, if Santa isn't real, then is Jesus?'" I answer "Yes, Jesus is real." "But, mom, you said Santa was real and now you say he isn't." 

I goof up enough on my own thoughtless actions and words. Christmas time takes alot of planning. I've had plenty of time to think about whether or not to let Santa play apart in our family. He does not. We teach our kids (Treson is the only one old enough to get it yet) that people dress up like Santa, but that he is not real. He knows that Santa has reindeer and brings gifts to kids... as a story, not real life. On a gift note, it's mom and dad that bring those, not Santa. 

I have to warn the teachers at school what we teach at home because my kid says that Santa isn't real. The first time I heard that Treson told someone that Santa wasn't real, there was another Christian parent in the conversation encouraging him that Santa is real. Trey and I discussed whether or not we should teach him that some kids believe in Santa and that we should keep "Santa's not real" to ourselves. We decided that at this time, it hasn't become enough of an issue to have that talk with him. Furthermore and more importantly, we don't want to teach him to keep his beliefs- especially those that are based on Biblical truth (Romans 12:2 as a reference for Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and many other things {some of which we fail miserably at})- to himself. 

So many Christian parents- best friends that will probably disagree even- sell out to Santa for tradition, "preserving childhood," or wanting their turn to play and see that twinkle in their children's eye when they awake Christmas morning. As a parent who has ventured through the "No Santa, it's just me" waters, I can promise that kids do not lose that twinkle in their eye on Christmas morning. For crying out loud, there are presents under the tree! 

As a Christ-following parent, I pray that the Lord convicts me when I "conform to the patterns of this world" and that he "transforms {me} by the renewing of {my} mind." (Romans 12:2).