My Dreams

I read a blog called (in)courage. They asked the question, "What are your God-sized dreams for 2010?"


I struggle with dreams and aspirations. Certainly I have goals. Get last month's laundry folded TODAY. Don't burn dinner this week. Plan a Girls Night Out next month. Somedays, I just dream of taking a shower alone... no one waiting outside the curtain for me to get out and re-fill a sippy cup "right now." 


Professionally speaking, I have been to far too many conferences that tell me I'll never achieve my goals if I don't write them down. Start small- organize by timeframes (monthly, yearly, 2 year, 5 year, etc.)- get busy. I do know that if I don't set goals/ dreams for my business, I probably won't ever really set out to make them happen.


My struggle with "What are your dreams?" is that often, most often, dreams are self-centered. But, we all have them. I have them. "I want to..." "If I could be anything, I'd be a..." See the I in that? My question is this: If this life, my life, is not about me, is it wrong to have dreams for myself? Twisted, I know. I should really stop dwelling on it and just go to bed, seeing that it's 1:30 am. Regardless, at the moment I do think it's ok to have a longing for something, a dream, pray about it, and wait on the Lord. Dreams become a problem when the focus is self-glorification and we will stop at nothing to obtain them, no matter the cost.


God does address dreams in the Bible. Most famous verse for this is "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." (Prov 16:3).


Soooo, since He said it...... "What are my God-sized goals for 2010?"


I keep mulling over this question and my answer keeps involving other people.  "I want 2010, my husband's first year in full-time paid ministry, to be, well, incredible." Struggles, victories, camps, services, lessons learned, growth... all incredible. "I want my kids to..." "I want my church to..."


So for me... what do I want? I want to stop pondering the call on my life and finally do something about it. Sounds so simple. But, 

• I'm a wife to a full- time youth pastor (who for the last 6 months has been working 2 jobs), 
• a mom to a 4 yr old, 2 yr old, 1 yr old (and 7 months pregnant with #4)
• a business owner to not one, but two businesses
• a work-from-home mom to that 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and 1 yr old
• did I mention that the church we have been called to is 30 minutes from the "city" and the location of our new home?

Sounds incredibly impossible to GENUINELY say, "Yes, Lord, I'll start putting my testimony in writing. I'll commit to traveling (which I love in theory, but not reality). I'll put aside the business that I've built for the last 5 years. Isn't it time for my 'profit year'? Where was I? Oh, right. Yes, Lord, I will suggest to other women, that I might have something to share with them and can I be the speaker at your next conference? Yes, Lord, all excuses aside, if Your desire for me is to share You all the time, nothing hinders, then I'll do it." 

I'd probably add to that prayer for this God-sized dream a request to handle the details (which of course He'll do) and to MAYBE drop a housekeeper my way? (Just kidding.) (Sort of.) 

As I sit here feeling this unborn baby jump all around in my belly, trying desperately hard to come out my belly button, I wonder how in the world I could possibly pursue the longing in my heart- the calling. It will take a good cry (somehow that always brings brokenness and a breakthrough). It will take me holding life as I know it with a very loose grip. If I have to sell my business, lose my tv spot, remove the notion that I'm that "buzz girl," that it will be ok. Leap of faith they call it. 

God-sized dreams always appear impossible, don't they? For crying out loud, He asked Noah to build a boat and shout "Flood" in a crowded movie theater (not quite, but you get the picture). He asked Jonah to go a gazilion miles away with no Continental Airlines, if you know what I mean. He impregnated a woman with no sex.... HELLO! I'm just saying. God-sized plans REQUIRE weak people to have God-sized dreams.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I love the word perfect in that verse. It makes the word weak, the one I'm familiar with, sound beautiful. 

In 2010, I pray that God's perfection will be glorified and magnified with the things He's able to do through a weak woman who says Yes to Him.

Job and His Hedge

When you hear trials and tribulations spoken of in church, Job is often the guy we look to. The preacher usually tells us of all the horrible things Job went through and yet, he remained faithful to God.


I've read Job before, but (confession) I usually start skimming because my mind reads "bad thing happened, bad thing happened, bad thing happened, he still loved God." I don't really absorb what this man went through.


So, this week my Scripture focus has been the book of Job. I'm totally hung up on chapter 1. I'm not ready to move past it yet. First, Job 1:6 "One day the ANGELS came to present themselves before the Lord, and SATAN also came with them." Just proof that sometimes bad DOES come with the good and vice versa. God asked Satan where he'd been. "Roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it." Satan ROAMS this earth. I know this, but it just came alive in a new way. I got to thinking about creeps I've seen or heard of being out on the streets and I literally shuttered at the evil that Satan brings to this world. Basically, I gather that Satan was out and about looking for someone to devour, someone to bring down.


God offers Job. Lord, would you offer me? 


God tells Satan that Job is an upright man who fears God and shuns evil. Satan throws out the question, "Does Job fear God for nothing?" My Bible commentary cleared this question up by saying that Satan was asking if there were any strings attached to Job's love for God. Job was a man of many blessings and Satan suggested that God's gifts produced Job's love.


Lord, what produces my love for you? 


This is the part that really trips me up... Job 1:10-11 "Have you not put a hedge of protection around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."


Hedge of protection. That phrase just seemed so "now" for reading Old Testament. How many times have I used those exact words in praying for my family? I beg for protection, safe keeping, good health. My greatest fear isn't spiders, fire, or the dark. It's losing my family. I experienced it as a child, I have always been petrified that I will have to experience it as an adult. 


After ALL that God had given Job- wealth, health, family- he offered Job over to Satan. He just handed him over with the exception that Satan was not to lay a hand on Job himself. As you read on in Job, left and right, literally, Job's God-given gifts were taken away. Words of one disaster couldn't even finish being spoken before words of another disaster came about.


Lord knows I've had weeks where I felt like it was one thing after another. Praise God it was just things like money, snotty noses, broken cars, and jacked up schedules. It could have been one death notice after another, like Job.


Even as a write, I'm so stuck on the phrases Hedge of Protection (vs 10), Blessed/ Cursed (vs 10-11) and  Everything He Has is in Your Hands (vs 12). If God deemed me worthy and genuine enough to remove His hedge of protection, would I still love Him? If the life I've been blessed with suddenly fell apart, would I curse Him? If I felt like everything I had, all that I am, was handed over to Satan, where would my allegiance lie?


This Hedge of Protection idea got me thinking about "when bad things happen to good people." So often, in the life of a believer, God is glorified in tragedy. This is what happened to Job. God knew that Job's love for Him was not wrapped up in the good gifts God had given him, so God allowed those gifts to be taken away. 


How is my love for God wrapped? I'm doing deep soul searching to determine if my love for God is wrapped up in...
... gratefulness for His blessings?
... gratefulness for His salvation?
... awe?
... fear?
... godly things I see going on in other believer's lives?
... growing my business?
... healthy kids and husband?
... my hedge of protection?


I would generally spout off that I love God because of His love for me. That's Biblical, afterall (I John 4:19). This is true. I do not make light of the sacrifice God gave up- His Son- for me. That's something no one else has ever done. But, there's a stirring in my heart that asks "why else do I love God?" 


I'm still searching for this answer. I'm praying it though, asking God to reveal both the genuine and superficial affection I have for Him. I have no doubt that there is love stored up in this notion of a hedge of protection over me. But I see the danger in that as it can be removed in an instant. It's not genuine. 


I feel a bit "wrecked" (as Trey would say) in getting to know Job. It's a bit scary and stirs my faith a bit as I imagine myself in his shoes. I haven't stopped praying for a hedge of protection. But, every time I do, I ask God to loosen my grip on the Hedge and draw me closer to to Him... just Him. No gifts. 


Just Him.

Love Notes for 12 Days of Christmas

In 2009, we've had 5 Christian couples  that are friends of ours separate, with 4 of those ending in divorce.


Satan may not tempt you with food. He may not get you to gamble. You might not abuse alcohol or drugs. You may have never killed someone. You may not even gossip.


It's worse. He's attacking our marriages. Couples you think would never split, do. Couples you look up to confess they are imperfect and hidden sin is revealed.


What are we- Trey and I- doing to protect ourselves from this?


For starters, we pray continuously for our love to grow and to keep our focus first on Christ individually, second on each other and thirdly on our family. We stray from things that could tempt our minds to drift to someone other than each other. I don't read secular romance novels. We are careful not to watch movies- even cute "chick flicks"- that have steamy romance scenes. If they come up, we look at each other or fast forward, if that option is available. We don't look at pornography. We are careful in relationships we build with members of the opposite sex. 


As dear friends of ours announced their split just a few short weeks ago, I thought to myself, this is insane! Failing marriages are everywhere. I don't want to be apart of that statistic. As I was unpacking boxes from our move last week (we've been moved for about 3 months, but I'm still unpacking!), I found a photo tree. As a mom of 3 preschoolers and 7 months pregnant with one more, romance isn't necessarily on the docket for most days. But, I have felt the Lord leading me to do something romantic for Trey. This is an area I lack in! Our communication is great, the love runs deep, and "other" important areas healthy (hee hee), but... actual romance... I'm just too tired for that most days. Anyway, I have no doubt the creative romance we've shared in the 12 Days before Christmas was God-inspired. I took that photo tree and placed it bare by Trey's bedside. I wrote him a love note- "one of the things I love most about you is..."- once a day for 12 days and placed them daily in the photo tree. He couldn't say enough how much it meant to him. Sometimes the notes were serious with overwhelming praise for the man he's become. Sometimes they were silly recalling memories where he embarrassed me with things like dancing ALONE in front of a crowd of people he didn't know was watching. 


He loved it.
Take that, Satan.

'Tis the Season to...

Growing up, one of my favorite things at Christmas was waiting for Santa to arrive. That's no surprise. I can remember so many Christmas Eve's laying awake, knowing I needed to go to sleep so he'd come. I'd hear a noise and be convinced I'd heard HIM... Santa. The anticipation of wondering what he'd left for me under the tree was nearly more than I could bear. 

Years past and I figured out who "Santa" was. Whether or not I was disappointed, I don't actually remember. What I do remember is a conversation I had with my long-time friend, Staci. She was a mentor when I was a child, and a friend now as an adult. When I was a kid, after the Santa situation cleared itself, she told me that she didn't do Santa with her kids. WHAT?!?!? I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. She explained that the idea of Santa is a lie and that it was wrong for her to lie to her children. I questioned whether or not it was a big deal. Mind you, I was probably 10 years old or so at the time. I wondered, isn't Santa a part of Christmas? Something all children should get? Why is this a big deal? Our conversation flowed with me being bewildered, but so intrigued by the conviction of this mom to NOT celebrate Santa in her family.

I never forgot that conversation. Fast forward to 2005, my first Christmas as a mother. Treson was almost 1. I wanted to have Santa "come" to our house. My husband did not. At least while he's little? (All the while I'm remembering that conversation with Staci in the back of my mind). I began to pray about this issue because it had become a big deal for our family. The end result? A convicted mama. Santa is not real. Here's what happens to our children with Santa: They place HOPE (Will he come?), DREAMS (what kid doesn't talk about what gifts they will get at Christmas A-L-L Y-E-A-R?), and TRUST (if I'm good, I'll get ________) in a man-made character. Flip side to this problem: We teach our children to place their HOPE, DREAMS and TRUST in Jesus. Jesus, the real deal. Santa, not so much.

As a mom, I played out this hypothetical-but-very-possible conversation in my head: "So, what happens one day when my kids say, 'well, if Santa isn't real, then is Jesus?'" I answer "Yes, Jesus is real." "But, mom, you said Santa was real and now you say he isn't." 

I goof up enough on my own thoughtless actions and words. Christmas time takes alot of planning. I've had plenty of time to think about whether or not to let Santa play apart in our family. He does not. We teach our kids (Treson is the only one old enough to get it yet) that people dress up like Santa, but that he is not real. He knows that Santa has reindeer and brings gifts to kids... as a story, not real life. On a gift note, it's mom and dad that bring those, not Santa. 

I have to warn the teachers at school what we teach at home because my kid says that Santa isn't real. The first time I heard that Treson told someone that Santa wasn't real, there was another Christian parent in the conversation encouraging him that Santa is real. Trey and I discussed whether or not we should teach him that some kids believe in Santa and that we should keep "Santa's not real" to ourselves. We decided that at this time, it hasn't become enough of an issue to have that talk with him. Furthermore and more importantly, we don't want to teach him to keep his beliefs- especially those that are based on Biblical truth (Romans 12:2 as a reference for Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and many other things {some of which we fail miserably at})- to himself. 

So many Christian parents- best friends that will probably disagree even- sell out to Santa for tradition, "preserving childhood," or wanting their turn to play and see that twinkle in their children's eye when they awake Christmas morning. As a parent who has ventured through the "No Santa, it's just me" waters, I can promise that kids do not lose that twinkle in their eye on Christmas morning. For crying out loud, there are presents under the tree! 

As a Christ-following parent, I pray that the Lord convicts me when I "conform to the patterns of this world" and that he "transforms {me} by the renewing of {my} mind." (Romans 12:2). 

Show Transparency #1, please.

There is a real misunderstanding about me floating around out there and it's not the only one, I'm quite certain.


Rumor has it that I'm a very organized person. Seriously, I cannot tell you how many people throw out comments to me like, "Oh, well, I'm sure you're so organized." Or... brace yourself... "There's no way your house looks like mine, you're so organized..." Ha! Ha! Hahahahahahaha! I'm sorry. I can't catch my breath. I don't know WHERE this rumor has stemmed from, but it is NOT true. However.... because it is not true, I've put myself in a real pickle. 


We always run late because I can't find something.


We waste money because I didn't need to buy this or that food because I either a) didn't know we already had it or b) let it go bad.


I get waaaaay overwhelmed at tasks I shouldn't, but when you are tripping on EVERYTHING or can't find ANYTHING, it's terribly frustrating.


My kids act like uncivilized ANIMALS at times because there is no peace surrounding them. When the house is chaotic, they are too.


I consider myself to be a "transparent" person. Meaning, what you see is what you get. But, since this little misunderstanding has gotten out of hand (my mother in law called my house PERFECTly organized), I feel compelled to let all my cats out of the bag. Starting now.


Now that I've ratted myself out, I'm actually on the mend. And, I intend to share the mend as things get mended. If only I'd taken some "before" pics. Actually, just look at my pics on facebook and stare at the backgrounds... you'll see!


My home has restored order. I think it was trying to run a business and having all these babies so close together that let things to get so crazy. It is most certainly not to anyone's benefit to have too much on one's plate. Finally, we've been able to cut some things out and thus, helping me find time to figure out what works for our home.


Small steps... 

• I hung hooks on the wall for all those darn bags. No longer are they on the floor, the couch, the table... ($8, half price for 3 at Hobby Lobby)
• I have a crafting buffet. In our previous home, I longed to have a small area set up with craft stuff for the kids (I'm talking crayons, paint, and coloring books here!), but didn't have the room. A friend from church gave us her "old" buffet and I filled it with materials for activities with the kids. (buffet free, materials probably $10)
• Kid's toys never stayed in their room. Always land in living room, of course. So, my dad graciously bought us an organization system from Target and it's now in the... LIVING ROOM! Toys can get put away neatly and aren't dragged all over the house as badly as before. ($140 for all)
• Labels on the kid's dressers (plastic drawers inside their closets) so they can put away their own clothes. No they can't read yet, but they just memorized what goes where. Plus, helps Daddy get things where they need to go! :)
• Working on Tupperware for pantry...
• If we don't use it, I'm getting rid of it. No need to store a bunch of unwanted stuff, even if it's "good."

This has been a BIG mission for me lately. I've felt nearly hopeless some days... downright miserable. All because of the chaos. Things have gotten MUCH better. I actually feel like I can "do this" now! 

A Family Update

I realize that with my last post, "God and Downpayments," I have left some readers (all 2 of you) hanging. God had presented my husband with the opportunity to become the youth pastor at First Baptist Sour Lake.   Oh the praying we did over this! What a change it would be... has been... for our family. God led us there and confirmed in us and the church body that Trey was the man for the job! We moved to Sour Lake about a month ago. It's 20- 30 minutes from Beaumont, depending on where you are coming from. This mama who runs late everywhere has had quite a bit of adjusting to do! My husband is gone lots for various meetings and events. That has been a challenge and a real test for me, but we really are loving every minute. 


Until next time...

God and Downpayments

I feel the need to make a disclaimer statement for this post. It's controversial and totally against the American mindset. But, it's my blog, so I say what I want, cushion-free. 

Trey and I are in the midst of praying over some pretty Big Decisions. No, I'm not going to tell you what. But, no, we're not pregnant (that I know of...), not divorcing, not separating, not buying a new car, not selling the kids, not going on a diet, not planning a vacation, not volunteering, not opening anymore businesses, or changing cell phone service carriers. 

One thing God is dealing with us over is... ugh, money. Good grief, it's in the Bible alot, isn't it? So many people have negative dealings with churches over this issue. It separates families, friends. It fuels depression. It misguides us. On the flip side, having some can be fun. Freely going to Schlitterbahn, out to eat, or getting a new 'do has it's perks. It can provide "security." 

What happens when God asks you to sell everything? "Uh, no." I mean, "yes, Lord, I'll do anything for you," I say as I sit in my comfy chair typing on my laptop. He asked it of the Rich Young Ruler. Is it possible that He'd ask it of me? Ok, so I sell everything. I become debt free. No mortgage. No car note. No credit card bills. No student loans. With all that "No" I'm suddenly free to say "Yes." 

So all that debtlessness works for a little while. I live minimally, but still have my needs met. However, this is all for the present. What about the future? My education and culture tells me that I should save up for the future. Heaven knows there will be no handy Social Security checks in the mail when I retire. What will I do to prepare for that if all I can do financially each month is meet present needs (food, shelter, etc.)? What about making a downpayment on a larger house to fit my growing family? What about a -gasp- minivan???

Editor's note- I did solemnly swear once that I'd never, never drive a minivan. That was before I had life with three preschoolers. So, I recant my solemn swear. 

After a late night talk with friends and a little chat with God, I started to get angry about my concern for the future. Hear me out, it's not that we shouldn't make plans. But, in our Big Decision, it is wrong to not obey in a direction that God is leading based off of "what about the future?" concerns. I told you this is controversial, so here we go. We are taught to save for this and that. Retirement. Bigger houses. Bigger cars. If we sell everything to make a Big Decision work for us, it would only work for us in our present condition (5 mouths to feed). Anything past that, I just don't know. Is God not bigger than that? Why do we trust God for today, but not for tomorrow? For me to worry about the future is to not trust God for it. For me to not say yes to the next step because of the what ifs of life, is to tell God He is not big enough to care for that. Did God not feed 5,000 people at just the right time? Can you imagine how much that would have cost? To relate it to my own circumstance, in the story of Jesus feeding 5,000, it's not like Jesus gave each person little tiny bits of food everyday and that worked it's way up to being enough to feed the 5,000 on one particular day. No, He made provision for the need IN ABUNDANCE at just the right moment. He does/did this time and time again. 

In a single second, Abraham reached for a knife to slay his son and the Lord stopped him before he did the unthinkable.

In a single glimpse, an orphan we know as Esther, was on her way to becoming crowned Queen.

In a single moment, Jesus told the paralytic to take up his mat and walk.

In these three instances alone, God provided the need at the needed moment. Not earlier. Not later. Perfect timing.

Trek with me here... For me, I refer to the "Downpayment" as big questions looming over the future. But, really, what is my future? My life could end tomorrow for all I know. Is it wrong to save up for a Downpayment (whatever that might be)? I don't think so. Is it wrong to not be obedient in the present moment for fear of the future Downpayment/ Grocery trips/ College funds/ Teenage angst/ Tiny bedrooms/ Out of date blue jeans? Absolutely. 

I don't think my little journey on this topic is really "about the money." I think it's about my dependency and faith in God to provide (emotionally, physically, spiritually). I trust God with my safety, my soul, my family's health. But, I struggle to trust Him with my needs. I say I know He'll provide, but when I don't do certain things for fear that I won't have something (time to myself, material possessions, other seemingly good stuff), that is WRONG! This is about me saying, "Yes, Lord, I trust You with even the Big Stuff."

I choose to trust in the things unseen. I choose to trust that God can, does, and will provide BIG at the right time, regardless of my careful measures to store up here on earth. I choose to forgo comforts- including future ones- to be apart of His story today. 

Will I have to or is this about my willingness to do so? Today, this is just another thing that remains unseen.

What Do I Know of Holy

This is a song by Addison Road. It's my new fave. You've got to iTunes the song & listen to it with the words. I listen to if over and over and over. My favorite line is "I tried to hear from heaven, but I talked the whole time." Hits home!

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Mark 12:30

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength." -- Mark 12:30

This is the 2nd verse of the summer that our fam has learned. The first was Ephesians 6:1, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right." Zoe says, "Chilren (yes, 'chilren') obey right." Works for me.

I marvel at small children that can spout off verse after verse. They usually know the popular ones like Psalm 100 and John 3:16. I also marveled at those children's parents at how wonderfully Christian they were to be teaching their children such things. Wonderfully Christian. Does that make me wonderfully Christian, too? I hope not. I was just telling my husband that there is a sin in my life that I have either a) had for a long time, but not convicted of or b) has recently entered in. Pride. It is not one that I divulge in, but rather have to fight ferociously. I feel it creeping up and I immediately -whether in a crowd or by myself- have to pray it away.

The Scripture memory with my kids is no different. I have started this with my kids because a) hiding God's Word in our hearts is crucial for Christ's followers, which I pray they will all be someday soon, b) I personally want to memorize more, c) we need to develop being in God's Word as a habit for us as a family, and d) need something to do with the kids and I figure this is pretty good.

I'm not really sure what "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, etc." means to a four or two year old. For me, I have had to really dwell on this verse because I know that I am not loving Him with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind (or "think" as Treson says thanks to the handy hand motions we use), and with all my strength. Most days it's "I love the Lord my God with a portion of my heart, all my soul, leftovers in my mind, and strength after naptime." In addition, my sin of pride gets revealed in this because I feel myself loving ME for teaching my kids these things. What the heck? How does teaching Christ-like living get so twisted? It's Satan. And, PRAISE GOD, that He allows me to recognize that so that when my prideful feelings of what "I" am doing pop up, I can rely on God's strength in me to suppress them.

So, here's the deal. I'm still a proud mama. I might ask my kids to quote you their latest verse. If I do, rest assured I've prayed through the pride to be the proud mama of THEM, not a prideful mama of ME. 

Plus, it's just so darn cute.

Discipline & Jon+ Kate

I've got 2 things on my mind: Discipline & Jon + Kate. Not the 2 together. 2 different issues. It's 1 am, so I write about them together.

Discipline.... ah. ick. Makes me uncomfortable because it's confrontation. But, I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old ( ... and a learning 10 month old). Discipline is very much apart of our day. When it's not, things get outta control. ( Or, MORE out of control ;) ). I don't think discipline always has to involve someone getting in trouble. Discipline is a means of training. A runner is disciplined in running everyday to prepare for a marathon. When I first heard my friend Krista use the word "training" in reference to her children, my attitude towards my job as mama completely changed. We use the phrase "raising our children." That's ok. But, it takes on a new meaning in my mind when I think of it as "training."

Treson loves, loves, loves TV and computer games. My active, sport playing kid has turned into a couch potato. Now, he'll get up in a heartbeat if something entices him enough. I just hate that it is his first desire to be a bum. He's 4 for crying out loud. We are saddened by the fact that the first thing he does in the morning (well, after the visit to the men's room) is turn on the tv. It's just such a battle. And, I'm sure that it's my fault. He's occupied while I get everything ready for our day. The Bible teaches us to FLEE (as in get the heck out) from sin. I think his priority for tv is a sin in his life. As Treson's parents, we are still in control to strongly guide (as in what we says goes) his life. I am working on the discipline of responsibility and training him in appropriate priorities. For that reason, we are thinking about cutting cable. We used to not have it. We can go without. Just have to be creative in entertaining which sometimes I just don't have the energy for, honestly. I am convicted to the fact that by letting him watch too much tv, I am facilitating this sin. EeEk! Shouldn't I do something about that?

Anyway, just something I'm thinking about. "Train a child in the way he should go." I think my personal greatest commission in life is to teach my children not just to "be nice" or use their manners, but to be living examples of Christ. That's pretty loaded for a preschooler. Just one day at a time... perhaps by the time the days are through, God will look at them and say, "Well done, my good and faithful (and polite, well behaving, say-excuse-me-when-you-burp) CHILD."

Jon + Kate... I believe this media-drowning couple are fellow believers. While I'm sad to see what's going on, I'm also convicted that WE should be praying for them, not judging or questioning. I realize that they have made the decision to make their life public, but it is not my place to judge (as in, I have, forgive me, and I won't anymore). 

Tristan & Zoe

We have dinner every week with the Davises. Their oldest, Tristan, and Zoe are 2 peas in a pod. Here, they were watching Wall-e (I think???). Tristan was being silly & cracking Zoe up. 

This week aboard the Behn Trehn

This has been on one of those weeks where I was so stinking busy, but didn't really get anything accomplished. Or so it feels. And yet, at 12:15 am as I finally sit down to do some work, I really just need to clear my mind from the happenings of the week. 

• The Davises introduced us to a game called "Quelf." The gist of the game is that everyone involved will be forced to make a complete fool of themselves at least once. And, once you play Quelf, you are apart of this underground club with underground language like using the word "Izzle" after sentence. Only those who play can understand. Welcome to the club, Wendi/ Laura/ Rebecca/ Amanda/ Laci/ Kristin/ Barbara S. We had a blast! Izzle.
• It's ok to wear rainboots on Sunday morning to church, especially if you are a two year old blonde haired, green eyed little girl named Zoe.
• The craft at the women's retreat was fun until I inadvertently tried super gluing myself to it.
• One day (I think it was in a different week other than this past one, but I really can't keep up) we were on our way to Mother's Day Out when Zoe started complaining of being cold. I apologized to her and explained that mama didn't have a blanket. Treson piped up from the back, "Well, mama, turn the air off." Genius. Pure Genius.
• Zoe asked me for a cookie tonight, but I had to deny the request due to uneaten dinner. Her reply? "Oh man!" 
• When I was younger, my mom dubbed me with the nickname "Nosey Rosey" {Rose is my middle name}. The middle & nickname has been passed down to Miss Zoe. I can be talking to my husband in the living room while she is playing in her room and she'll come bounding out and ask, "what, mommy, what?" How'd she even know I was talking? She really thinks everyone is always talking to her or is talking about something she needs to know. Hilarious.
• Here lately I've really been burdened by the responsibility of how crucial my daily actions are in the life of my little imitators at home. There are so many days when I just wonder if we'll all make it till Daddy gets home. Us moms like to call it "survival mode." That is code for "my day is really stressful, my kids have lost their minds, no, you do NOT need another snack, oh come on, we tee-tee in the POTTY not the floor, please SHARE, stop taking that from her, just a minute, get dressed and in the car NOW, can I just go to the bathroom ALONE, stay calm, mama and WHERE IS YOUR FATHER???" However, while those days are survival mode for me, they are learning mode for my kids. It really hit me hard today when Treson didn't want to get dressed for church. I, myself, my composed/ mature/ peaceful little self started WHINING AT HIM!!!!!! I actually was like, "Treeessooon, pleeeaase get dressed, please."But it was with that "pl-eee-eee--aaa-s-ah" bouncing type of request. Once I caught myself I snapped out of it. I thought, "All this time I thought the whining came from HIS side of the family." Ha! Not really, but I couldn't believe the fussiness that came out of this mama over not getting my way {dressed kid}.
• SO much more to come, but I keep falling asleep. So much for working. On to dreaming.

If I had...

I used an earlier post as an application for a scholarship to the She Speaks Conference. This is for women who want to have a ministry in writing, blogging, and/or speaking. 

I didn't win.

I was ok at first. Then I was bummed. I've been praying for confirmation that doing this sort of thing is a direction that God is leading me, not just something I personally want to do. I just knew that winning the scholarship would be just the confirmation I needed. So, when I didn't win, I felt a little bit at a loss. 

Then, I thought, what the heck? All this means is that if I'm meant to go to the conference, I have to opportunity to see God move in an unexpected way to provide the means to make it happen. I have a friend who is young and recently found out she has ovarian cancer. I thought, what if that was me? If I found out today that I have cancer, what would I want to do?

I would want to write.

I would want to speak.

I would want to share.

I don't even know if I'm really any good at any of the above. Really good. I mean, my mom says I'm good, but I'm not sure if that counts.

So, I've resolved to start writing my story. To start with the Happy Birthday. To start with the knock. To start with the news. To start with the whys, the when & the how. 

And maybe, just maybe, when my time here is done, I won't leave this Earth wishing that I would have just done what I always wished I would. 

"Vacation"

Just for starters, I've decided that for me, a vacation from vacation is necessary. Having preschool aged children just doesn't allow for much rest. 

Particularly not if the "vacation" includes caring for a 4-year-old who threw up for 3 days straight. Particularly if the days were expected to be spent basking in the warmth of the sun, but instead, we had very chilly weather to go with our tank tops. Particularly if our plans just didn't go according to plan. 

While things haven't gone exactly right, I have...

• been able to make a complete fool of myself because I am now a Quelf junkie.
• had some really good homemade eats.
• spent quality time with my family.
• not spent day in and day out cleaning up after everyone.
• had some time to myself.
• had a blast with the Davises, growing our friendship in Christ.
• gotten away.
• missed home.
• not worked much.
• decided that I like when things don't go as planned always, unless, of course, it involves vomit.

What Could Have Been

My kids are tucked in their beds, sleeping soundly.

I'm so grateful. Not for the relief that quiet brings a tired mama, but because things could be different.

Earlier today when I picked Treson & Zoe up from school, I was loading them into the car as usual. Treson is old enough to get in by himself. For some off the wall reason, he was standing by the car and just took off running after a bird... in the parking lot. Mind you this is after school. Cars are everywhere. I just screamed at him and he immediately returned. After a good scolding, I got very emotional as I realized the magnitude of what Could Have Been. Just the thought makes me want to vomit.

After quite a crazy day, I'm tired, but so glad that I was fortunate to be the parent of Treson's choice for putting him to bed. I laid next to him praying and crying. I'm so glad he was too tired to notice. 

Thank You, Lord, for Your protection over Your children. I trust that You love them more than I do.

She Speaks

The last time I was with a group of women for an entire weekend was July 11, 2008. I had spent the weekend at the Center for New Life. I was served breakfast, lunch and dinner... all cooked by someone other than me. I had clean towels artfully arranged in the bathroom everyday. Someone even checked on me every couple of hours. Drinks were overflowing and snacks were readily at hand. Sounds like Heaven or some hip, Hollywood hangout. 'Tis not the case. It's the maternity ward. I had just given birth to my 3rd child. 

Just after my 1st child was born, I started a local website for women called beaumontbuzz.com, "THE girl's guide to southeast texas."  

There, I get to write, write, write all the day long. I write about fun stuff like shopping & entertaining. I facilitate community amongst women in our area by hosting innovative networking events. I even suckered a local news station into allowing me to have a segment once a month that features the latest and greatest info on my website. This business allows me to be a work-from-living room/kitchen/patio/Starbucks mom. 

All this writing led me to meet Paula. By day, she is the Community Relations Coordinator for a YMCA. By night, she's the Wrinkled Shirt. She said this, I said that, she said you should, I said ok, and somehow I ended up becoming an avid reader of Lysa TerKeurst's blog. I further landed on the Proverbs 31 website where I learned about the She Speaks Conference. Now, I've been "speaking" since I was, oh, say, 1 1/2 or so. However experienced that makes me, I gathered that this conference is not about what I have been doing, but rather what I could be doing.

Lysa posed the, "Why do you want to go to this conference?" question for the opportunity to win a scholarship, soooooo...

I had my first newspaper appearance when I was just six years old. I gave my first television interview when I was in grade school. I was the interviewee, not the interviewer, for my first book mention when I was in junior high. Living life in the public eye is what geared me for being in media today. Living life as the child of a police officer killed in the line of duty is what geared me to be a vessel that God uses to teach others about forgiveness. He was a serial killer. I am a liar. Sin. Sin. We are both sinners in need of the Savior. 

I need to go to this conference for people like Alea. After sharing "my" story at a Ladies' Night Out recently, this sweet friend wrote:

"Dear Ashley, 

I just wanted to let you know how much the words you spoke at our Ladies' Night Out helped me. I believe God puts us where we need to be. When I came to our night out, I was glad to be there, but I was angry inside. My car had just been stolen out of my driveway and my purse stolen out of my house the week before. I was so angry at the people that did this. How could they violate us like that? I wished horrible, horrible things on them for pilfering through our neighborhood. But, when I heard how you had forgiven the man who had taken your father's life, I thought, 'How could I harbor such anger for the people who did far less to my family?' This put a whole new perspective on my situation..."

There's just so much He wants to say. There's so much people like Alea need to know. I long to have the guidance (and confidence, for that matter) to put this story out there. I long to go to She Speaks. 

Whatever He tells, I'll say. Whenever He asks, I'll do. Wherever He sends, I'll go.

It's been a month.

I realize that once again, it's been a month since I've blogged. Actually, that's not true. I blog in my head all the time. It's just been a month since I've posted on my blog.

I've had the silliest debate going on in my head. I've actually been wrestling with the name of my blog for months. The url is specifics are called falsecontrol. That, my friend, is the truth of our lives. However, I started out naming "myself" as Capt. Random Thought which is a tag my husband gives me often. But, I'm now doing Beth Moore's Esther study, which makes me want to call my blog "the whole magilah." However, at the moment, it is lovingly entitled "the behn trehn." I worked really hard on that one. My last name is so often mispronounced as "been" or "bean" and not "bain" as in "train" that I thought "behn trehn" would help solve the "how do you say that?" problem. 

Ah. So, seeing that "it's tough being a woman..." who can't make a decision, I've decided to put all of my names into one graphic which you'll now find at the header. There. Problemo solvedo.

Welcome!

Hey beaumontbuzz readers! Welcome to my personal blog. You're probably wondering why in the world would I sent you here. As the creator of beaumontbuzz.com, I relish in sharing life with our readers. I kind of consider us friends. I hope you do, too. So, I thought it might be nice (or entertainment if you read on!) to let you get to know me. If you aren't interested, then I suggest you leave now because this thing gets pretty personal! I hope that after surfing this blog, you'll realize that we- you and me- are in this thing we call life... together.

Alright, Laura.

Word on the street is that it has been too long since I've posted a blog message/letter/note. Laura tagged me for that whole "pick the 4th folder within your picture folder, select the 4th pic, post it to the blog, and tag 4 other people" thing.

Here goes.

I'm sorry this picture isn't more interesting, but I just did what I was asked. :) It is the super cool couch that sat in the front of one of my favorite stores that is (sniff) no longer with us, Boho Soul.