The Look for Affirmation

Lady: "T, are you playing baseball?" 
He knows he is playing baseball right now, but he looks to me for the answer he should give.


"Z, is that your babydoll?"
She's holding it in her arms. Yet, she looks to me for confirmation before giving her answer.


Simple questions to children. Simple questions that require simple answers. And yet, in wanting to ensure that they answer correctly, I'm given the look for affirmation as they prepare to give their response. Their faces tell what they are thinking. "Mama, did I get it right?" 


I'm currently facilitating Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst for a group of women. In the first week, we are facing our desire for acceptance and our quest to "get it right." God just wants us to desire to do right, but quickly forgives us when we repent for the times when we get it wrong.  


Initially, I didn't think the beginning of this study pertained to me. RED FLAG! So, the DVD session for  week 1 might not have pertained to me. Day 1 from the study book may not have pertained to me. However.... day 2 had not been read yet. Day 2 talks about the times we feel unacceptable vs. what God says is acceptable. 


As the mom of a preschooler (or 4...), I can feel the pressure to be supermom all around me. Let me tell you, I am not, nor have the desire to be "supermom." I can promise you that my kids don't get sent to school with cute cupcakes on their birthdays, their hair is probably sticking up, we are ALWAYS late, and yes, that's cheetos love on my white skirt. 


Certainly I desire for others to think I'm doing a good job. But to be considered wonderwoman, I could do without. Too much pressure. 


I may not want to be supermom, but am realizing that I still seek the approval of others. I want my relationships to be at peace. I want you to be encouraged by me. I want you to have fun with me. I want to make you laugh. I don't care if you like my cookies, but I want to know that you like.... me. 


Here's the problem with me trying to make you happy with me: I'm flaky. You're flaky. We have emotions that bring us up and pull us down. You are not my Rock and I cannot be yours. I can be nice, share, listen to good music and teach my kids to play fair. All those good things- perfectly acceptable things- are unacceptable to the Lord when I bring to Him an unrepentant heart. It's like that song, "I'm coming back to the heart of worship... I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it... When it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus." 


I feel like I bring Him my most. "My most?," you ask. My most. That's when I bring not-quite-my-all. I say I give Him everything, but I don't really. And, I don't even say I'm sorry for it. I don't humble myself and ask for forgiveness. When I get so busy that I'm not even aware of where I'm wrong, God uses His word to humble me. And in tonight's instance, bring me to my knees.
Isaiah 1:13-18

Stop bringing meaningless offerings!
       Your incense is detestable to me.
       New Moons, Sabbaths and convocations—
       I cannot bear your evil assemblies.
 ¹⁴ Your New Moon festivals and your appointed feasts
       my soul hates.
       They have become a burden to me;
       I am weary of bearing them.
 ¹⁵ When you spread out your hands in prayer,
       I will hide my eyes from you;
       even if you offer many prayers,
       I will not listen.
       Your hands are full of blood;
 ¹⁶ wash and make yourselves clean.
       Take your evil deeds
       out of my sight!
       Stop doing wrong,
 ¹⁷ learn to do right! 
       Seek justice,
       encourage the oppressed. ^[a]
       Defend the cause of the fatherless,
       plead the case of the widow.
 ¹⁸ "Come now, let us reason together,"
       says the LORD.
       "Though your sins are like scarlet,
       they shall be as white as snow;
       though they are red as crimson,
       they shall be like wool.




For me, to be a burden to someone is a thought I can hardly bear. I have four children. They are all young. We are a handful to be around if you're not accustomed to the chaos! Of my list of greatest fears, being a burden to someone is one of them. That's probably why my husband and I rarely go out together. I feel like having someone keep my children- all of them at once- would be a burden. So, instead, we stay up late after the kids go to bed. We get our time together and no one has to be burdened by the care of our kids. 


You can imagine the slap in the face I felt when I read that I am a BURDEN to God when I bring Him ritualistic sacrifices. When I "give" Him the things in my life that I "give" Him all the time... He hates it. Furthermore, when I bring Him sacrifices, but I don't bring Him a repentant heart, I am not heard by Him. Ewww.


But, there's a happy ending. When I DO bring a repentant heart, when I DO remove the sins in my life, when I DO seek to do right to please Him and not my fellow people, I am washed white as snow. 


I am renewed. 


I am forgiven.


I am acceptable.