Raw Emotions

I have yet to have a good old fashioned cry since starting this miscarriage. Little patches of tears, but not the real deal. And, honestly, I didn't think I needed it.

But today is different. This afternoon I can't seem to get ahold of myself. So the best thing I know how to do when I need to process something- grief, for example, is to write.

I fear that when I've had friends that have had miscarriages, I have taken their news lightly. Been sad for them, of course. But sad more in a "that's disappointing" way, not so much in a sad "this is painful" kind of way. But, I now know that a miscarriage is much more than disappointing. It's terribly sad and painful. Once you find out you are pregnant, that baby is yours. Mine! You immediately begin making plans. Boy or girl? And, what's the name going to be?

We were making plans on how we would fit 5 kids in 2 rooms. Plans for how to fit 5 carseats in a non-5-carseat-fitting-car. All the regular clothes are packed in the garage (still). All the maternity clothes were on my floor waiting to be hung up (that darn laundry fairy!). Plans on how to adjust our budget to pay for another mouth.  Plans. Plans. Plans. I miscarried at 12 weeks. By 14 weeks, I'd felt my 2nd child flutter around. I was anticipating.... and I was growing. But, when I looked in the mirror this morning, there's no baby belly. Not even a trace. It's all just... gone.

Losing a baby is losing a baby. I tremble at the thought of losing a baby that I've held and nurtured. But, losing a baby that you never got to hold- especially if you already know what that's like- is gut-wrenching, too. It's just so out of my control. I don't really consider myself a control freak, but certainly it's  hard when NOTHING is in your control. It's easy to say "God is control" (which I 100% believe) when you are saying it to someone ELSE in hard times. Lord, please give me new words of encouragement to offer to a friend in need. If I may be an open book right now, the phrase "God is in control" isn't what brings me peace right now. I think it's mostly because I know He is in control, but it's just so darn hard and helpless feeling to not have any... not even a smidgen bit... of control. What brings me peace is knowing and resting in the fact that He loves me. However painful this is, I can feel His arms. That's probably from my friend, Leanna, and her sweet "wrap your arms around her, Lord" praying. I know that He gives us situations- especially the hard ones- to let us experience Him in a way we have not.  I told Him once that I'd do whatever it took to know Him more.

Whatever it takes. Hold me, Jesus. Draw me closer to Your side.

Do it, even in this.