When you have a hunch that something isn't right, it's probably because something isn't right. Five days ago, my body started telling me that something just wasn't right.
"1 out of 5 pregnancies result in miscarriage."
That's one of the ways my doctor tried to explain our situation. Five days ago, at 11 weeks pregnant, an ultrasound showed our baby was only 6 weeks developed and had no heartbeat.
We have four perfectly imperfect children. Certainly we were very excited to find out we were expecting, even if it was for the fifth time! We assumed this would be our caboose. But, at the first signs of trouble, I knew that we wouldn't be adding to our little train this December like we thought. Nearly a week ago when I sat in the ER and listened to the doctor deliver our report, I immediately felt the Lord reminding me to trust Him. I was hearing the doctor, but seeing that I hadn't "officially" miscarried... as in I was still with child, it was hard to process what was going on. I held a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart that perhaps they were wrong. That maybe just that particular ultrasound tech couldn't find a heartbeat. As the days lingered, and I was still technically pregnant, I had to commit myself to trust, be patient, and rejoice in the Lord for this situation no matter what.
For the last several months, I have watched my friend Holly carry a baby to full term knowing that he would not survive outside her womb. I watched her trust the Lord. I watched her cry, get mad, be at peace, get mad again, and wait. It's weird, but deep-deep-deep-deep-deep down inside, I knew that "watching" Holly was preparing me for something, but I didn't really want to admit it! I just knew it. And now I know why.
As this pregnancy has come to pass (now at 12 weeks), I am reminded of Isaiah 65:20, a verse I read the day after Holly delivered her baby. WHO knew I'd personally need this encouragement, too? There will be a day when stuff like this doesn't happen. Until then, I trust the Lord for His plans for our family's life and for however many perfectly imperfect people that includes.
Isaiah 65:20
20 “Never again will there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not live out his years;
the one who dies at a hundred
will be thought a mere child;
the one who fails to reach[a] a hundred
will be considered accursed.
Proverbs 3:5-8
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.
4 comments:
Oh Ashley, I love you. I'm so sorry you're going through this! Its crazy how I just wrote you and talked about how God prepared me to deal with Blake's illness. He put scripture in my path that He knew I would need and it was lifeline. It is amazing that He did the same for you. He did it because He loves you, and He knows you're going to have to struggle, but He won't let you be alone. He is so good.
I'll be praying for every single member of the precious Behn Family.
Thank you for sharing this link with me! I have been thinking about you constantly! I have no doubt that you're an amazingly strong woman and such an incredible mommy! I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this and I will continue to pray for you as you work through it and share what is going on with the other children. IF those doctors in the ER are right then I know there is a special little boy named Thomas waiting in heaven to welcome your little bundle. I am still praying that they are wrong! I will wait impatiently to hear from you after the next ultrasound!
I am so, so, SO sorry for what you're going through right now, Ashley. My prayers are with you all...
Thinking of you and praying for you, and very thankful for your trust and understanding of God and his faithful promises during this time. Love you!
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